Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
