shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
