I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
