She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
