What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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