This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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