I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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