she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
