I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
