i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize