i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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