I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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