dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
