my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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