I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
