he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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