I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
