The maid of honor just puked.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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