'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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