What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
