dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
