So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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