um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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