And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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