Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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