When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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