My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
