I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
