I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Who died my cat blue again?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
