Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
