I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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