So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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