I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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