I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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