I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
