Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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