I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
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I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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