He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
