textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
