I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
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i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
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I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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