New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
