the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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