Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
