I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
