i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
