The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
