There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
