Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I need to wash the frat house off of me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
