Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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