Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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