The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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