my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm passing your future prison.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
