My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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